


The Curious Thing About Nightmares

by fallupmagic



Series: Navigating Normalcy [1]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Anxiety, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Neil has PTSD, Nightmares, Paranoia, post tkm, trouble coping
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-13 19:28:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16898547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallupmagic/pseuds/fallupmagic
Summary: Everyone one else seems to be able to have bad days, except Neil. Maybe is it how he grew up and how he copes but it doesn't seem to hold him together as well, anymore.Neil has been having a rough week as nightmares are putting him on edge and it only seems to be getting worse.





	1. Things are Different Now

**Author's Note:**

> Hello~ This is my first aftg fic! I am one of those people that has a word doc full of prompts and half finished fics for multiple fandoms because I am bad at actually sitting down and actively writing instead of reading. But I want to contribute, so I am going to try hard to do more.
> 
> This first chapter is just like the prologue I guess. I hope you like it :)

Andrew has bad days and that’s okay, they deal with them, they have learned to after being together and knowing each other. He may skip a practice and have an extra session with Bee, the foxes will leave him alone more than usual, and he may go for a long drive alone for hours before returning. Sometimes he just lies in bed for hours before moving to the common area to smoke and run the TV for white noise. 

Neil has bad days, too, but he is told to “buck up,” “stop running,” and “practice harder” and so he continues on and suppresses it like he always has had too, moving along like there is nothing wrong, because Neil is not allowed to show weakness. He can’t let his problems affect others because that means unwanted attention, that means potential repercussions. So, while his “I’m fine,” is a motto he can’t verbalize anymore due to the foxes distinct dislike of the phrase, it is one he can live by and has been ever since he was old enough to be forced to watch his father at work. 

But Neil’s motto, doesn’t seem to be as effective anymore. Now, when everything is better and his life isn’t in danger at every waking minute, this mantra isn’t working as well because he has gotten softer. His environment is different; he is not fighting, not running, not being beat, not lying, not stealing. He has friends and they know him and who he is and it’s normal. His life has never been normal. Neil lifestyles and practices never accounted for him being safe, having a future, or letting people in. Before there was no time for high emotions, anxiety, or thinking and remembering the things he had seen, done, and had done to him. 

So, now, when everything is better and his life isn’t in danger at every waking minute, the feelings of paranoia remain; the itchiness of being in one place too long, and new things like haunting memories causing anxiety and insecurity, and having people that notice him, make his mask slip more and more.

Maybe he should go see Bee, but he talks to Andrew on occasion and that should be enough, right?


	2. He is Fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil wakes from the worst nightmare he has had all week and it lingers as he tries to go about his day like normal because he has too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello~ Here is the first chapter, I hope you enjoy it :)

It’s sudden. His eyes are open and he is exactly where he was when he closed his eyes. He lets out a harsh shuddering breath; limbs stiff and chest heavy; everything in him tense, frigid, waiting. His mind struggling to multitask as he catalogs his dorm from where he lays in his bunk with all the sounds, sights, smells, and touch he can grasp as he replays the nightmare in his head.

 

The curious thing about nightmares is that as much as you are desperate to distract yourself and forget, the dream is too vivid, too _real_ to let go and you obsessively replay it in your head until you are dissecting it piece by piece. This process continues until you are able to separate yourself from the storyline your brain created and your surroundings are bringing you back to the present and resetting your mind, so you can finally go back to sleep.

 

The curious thing about trauma is that your nightmares aren’t just stressors pulling and storing random memories in horrifying patterns. Your nightmares are pulling and replaying your worst experiences and and giving them repugnant modifications. The thing about trauma is that it makes the dreams linger, and you can’t separate yourself because you actually lived it. Your surroundings aren’t the safe consistency they normally are. The thing about trauma is that is can cause panic.

 

Being awoken so abruptly, there are things he knows. He is in his bed in his dorm at Palmetto. Andrew is asleep in the bunk below him and Kevin is snoring lightly. Dawning twilight is breaching the blinds on the window.

 

Being awoken so abruptly, there are things he can’t reconcile from his dream. His father and Lola were just there, where the large shadows in the corners of the rooms loom, and he can hear footsteps. Were they coming from in the room, the room above them, or the the room next to them? He isn’t sure, but they could still be near.

 

There had been blood and his scars are aching. He can feel warm sticky fluid on his chest and his legs. He is scared to look down and see red seeping through the sheet covering him.

 

Neil can’t move. He can barely breath. He might actually not be breathing. Not that it matters, not that he notices. He is too focused on tracking the footsteps. _Where are they?!_  He is gasping in air, now, and he can’t get enough. The footsteps sounds closer, he hears a creaking on the ladder to his bunk. _Fuck!_

 

He is scrambling to get his back against the wall and his legs as far from the ladder as possible. If they grab his legs it’s over. He is reaching for his gun underneath his pillow, the only protection he has. His rampant grasping results in finding a used crumpled tissue but no gun. _Where’s the gun? Oh, God, did they take it?! Have they found him?! Did they bring him here?!!! Why ….? WHERE IS HIS GUN?!?!!_

 

Why isn’t it _there_?! He is hyperventilating. He hears creaking on his ladder again and he almost chokes. The shadow on the wall is larger and he can see a hand reaching up.

 

And now a head.

 

And it’s Andrew.

 

_It’s Andrew._

 

Of course it is Andrew. They are in his dorm. Andrew sleeps below him. Andrew is a light sleeper. And if he woke up he must be being loud.

 

Neil still can’t breath. Andrew’s back is open. He is vulnerable. They could get him.

 

“Neil.”

 

No. _No, no, no, no, no, no, no_. They can’t get him. Oh, God, they can’t take him. He can still hear the footsteps.

 

“ _Neil.”_

 

There isn’t enough air, his lungs won’t fill. _Breathe, damn it!_ He hears words but they are too muted. His vision is in vertigo. _Breathe!_

He feels a dip in the bed and his body’s gone frigid. There is more murmuring, louder this time. Then there is a hand on his neck. He is now, so tense his muscles are straining. A surge of adrenaline has him gripping the wrist ached to his neck. He can smell Andrew. It’s Andrew. Of course it is Andrew.

 

He can feel Andrew’s pulse through his finger’s on his wrist. It is steady. He is focusing on that. Air is slowly more available, more full in his lungs, each intake slower and fewer. His muscles relaxing bit by bit. Andrew eyes on him bringing him back to reality, to full consciousness.   


They’re dead. His father and Lola are dead. They aren’t here. Those footsteps aren’t them, just a swim team member pacing, probably stressing over midterms.

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“Shut up.” Andrew voice low and scathing. His grip on Neil’s neck tightens before he yanks his hand away.

 

“You’re covered in sweat.” He said wiping his hand on Neil’s sheets. “Go take a shower and go to bed.”

 

He takes a few moments, after Andrew climbs back into his own bunk, to unfurls his arms and legs. Finding his left hand still clenched in the mattress beneath his pillow where he had been reaching for his gun. He still has it, just now it is locked up in his safe along with his binder and all the other few trinkets from his years running. He is almost tempted to take it out and shove it under his waistband. Its weight against his back as a familiar security.  But opening that safe might be a bad idea right now, when his nerves are high, his paranoia lurking, and his feet itching. Plus, he didn’t think campus security would appreciate it much.

 

Decided, he finally makes his way to the bathroom. Closing and locking the door behind him, he turns on the light and looks straight ahead at the shower. He strips as he moves closer trying to get out of range of the mirror, taunting him in his periphery.

 

He doesn’t shower long, but he doesn’t leave the bathroom either, not until Kevin is banging on the door with a full bladder of vodka and a jumbled and sleepy rant about lack of sleep leading to poor performance on the court.

 

He had been sat on the floor, nude and massaging lotion into his taut sore scars seeking relief and affirmation of the present and that he wasn’t actually bleeding again.

 

The banging continued as he looked around for his clothes only to find the sweat soaked ones he came in with. Sighing he threw them on and opened the door as kevin swept in in a clumsy rush from leaning on the door.

 

“Took you long enough.”

 

Neil didn’t respond and instead snuck past and closed the door behind him.

 

It was almost 6am, and Kevin and Andrew were right, he should go back to sleep, especially as his body was pulsing and dragging from the adrenaline fading from his limbs, but he wasn’t going to be able to get back to sleep. Being that still, in silence, and waiting for sleep that wouldn’t come was too much, so he changed his clothes and went to the kitchen instead.

 

Neil started opening the fridge, only to close it, doing the same to every cabinet and drawer, twice, in no particular order. He knew he should eat but his appetite was not very forthcoming and they had run out of his clementines a few days ago and had been too busy to get more.

 

He would normally run to clear his head, but at the moment he was too amped and exhausted that he didn’t know if running would help or if he would run too far before coming to his senses and have to call a furious Andrew to come pick him up hours outside of Palmetto. He didn’t think he could add breaking his promises with Andrew to his list of issues this morning. But one thing he needed to do was get out of the dorm and get some air.

 

Neil figured a walk to the library on campus to catch up on the weeks worth of homework he had been putting off would be a good compromise.

 

* * *

 

 Neil spent as much of his day away from the dorm and away from the foxes as he could. He purposely even left his phone behind, but that didn’t seem to stop them from finding him on campus.

 

Aaron is the first person who finds him, though not intentionally. He came into the library near to 8 am and passed by him. Apparently, something about him seemed to tip the foxes off that the was having a bad day. Perhaps, for Aaron, it is was because he was in the library halfway through his homework and in an almost impenetrable focus instead of outside doing his usual morning run.

 

When he came into the library he had chosen the table because it was close to an exit but was still a bit tucked away from the larger study areas and had a wall behind where he sat. Aaron hadn’t been expecting to see him and after several attempts to get his attention, Neil finally looked up.

 

Aaron did not seemed too pleased to see him if his demeanor was anything to go by. But the “what the fuck are you doing here?” he spit out consolidated that opinion. Neil glared at him for a moment, tempted to not respond at all.

 

“I thought the textbooks open around me would have been a good indicator, but maybe you haven’t gotten to the observation lesson in your lab.”

 

He scoffed at that, rolled his eyes too. “I meant the library. You’re in the medical section and I didn’t know you could read.”

 

“I had more knowledge on the human anatomy than you do, before I was out of elementary school.”

 

Aaron just stared at him waiting for the an answer. Neil stared back for a minute before turning back to his textbook and sighed softly.

 

“It was quiet,” which was a half-truth because he was one of the few people in the library besides the student workers went he came in hours earlier. The table was just in a good location that fit his needs.

 

“You couldn’t have stayed in the dorm or I don’t know gone to the mathematics section, your section? I bet you there are way less people there.”

 

“You have a problem?”

 

Andrew seemed to being holding back, just looking around at the single desks around them and then the remaining chairs at the table Neil sat at. He seemed to hesitate for a few moments before he roughly pulled back the chair diagonally across from Neil.

 

“Whatever,” he said as begrudgingly as possible, making sure Neil knew how much of an inconvenience it was to find hum stubbornly spread out in his space.

 

For the next half hour, both of them tried their best to focus on their textbooks and worksheets, but Aaron was too annoyed and aware of Neil across from him, and Aaron’s arrival had knocked him out of his laser focus and the memories he had managed to put at bay came rushing back. Aaron’s not so subtle hints that he was irritated by his presence (pen clicking, strong page turns, incessant rearranging of his books, loud huffs of breath) were not helping either.

 

The looming ghosts and the graphic depictions of a surgical procedure displayed in Aaron’s open textbook had him holding his breath a little more often. When he started staring focusing more on the surgical pictures more that his equations and his breathing got worse, he realized he no longer wanting to be where he was. He hadn’t really since Aaron showed up. It was mainly spite keeping him seated. He needed to leave so he did, as quickly as he could. Out, out, out , out. Get out.

 

The chill outside did a bit to calm him and clear his mind. He had a little less than a hour before he had to be in class. Maybe some coffee would help. He hadn’t slept much and what he managed was restless. Maybe a little energy would give him the strength to push away the images in his head.

 

The line at the coffee shop was ridiculous. The too many bodies huddled inside were suffocating. Too much movement, too much normalcy, too many people shoved way too far into his personal space bubble. His anxiety picked up once again. Was coffee really a good idea right now? Neil’s exhaustion was weighing on him, he thought of sleeping and how Andrew didn’t have class until noon, and how more than anything he wanted to just sleeping next to him as to close to Andrew as Andrew would allow. Forgetting the coffee and ditching sounded like a the best idea he just made.

 

Then the door opened for the third time since he entered. This time the cold brought in Wymack, who spotted Neil instantly.

 

“You look like crap, kid.”

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“You’re full of shit. If you were anyone else, I would think you were coming off an all night binder.”

 

Neil just shrugged, not sure what to say to that. Apparently, Wymack hadn’t been expecting a response.

 

“Whatever it is, just makes sure you are going to your classes, the last thing both you and I need is for your grades to fall behind. We can’t afford to have you benched.”

 

“Got it, Coach.”

 

“Good.”

 

And so, in line, he remained, he couldn’t slip out now with coach there. Coffee was in front of him and class was waiting. He was fine, _fine_ , he could do this. Just had to push through. Not like Andrew wouldn’t be there later.

 

To class, he went. If he double checked and triple checked his surroundings on his way, well, there was nothing wrong with staying sharp. If in each of his next three classes he sat in the seats next to the wall and in full observation of all exits then, it wasn’t abnormal. He spent his whole first year doing just that. He looked like any other sleepy student that needed a little vertical support.

 

When the lights suddenly turned off for the 30 seconds before the projector was powered on, he definitely _didn’t_ reach for the gun he hadn’t put in the back of his waistband that morning. And when the metal ruler scraped against the whiteboard marker tray his breathing certainly didn’t begin to stutter because it sounded eerily similar to the sound of knife being sharpened.

 

He was fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I hope to hear what you think :)


	3. Crowds and Kevin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil's day sinks lower the longer he is around people. Too bad for him, he seems a bit stuck with the people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long!

After his classes finished, he was planning on going back to the dorm to get his stuff for practice and walking over to the court since there was time and he would be able to be alone for a couple hours until practice started. 

 

However, he didn’t expect Matt and Allison to be waiting for him outside his classroom. Seeing them waiting made him recoil a bit. How did they know this is where he would be?  How did he let them know his schedule? He failed. Oh god, maybe he should have just gone for that run, how did he become this predictable? 

 

“Hey Neil!” called Matt.

 

Neil took a slight step back, and a sharp intake of air. He glanced to both sides of him before looking back over to the pair sitting on the bench across the hall. 

 

“Hurry up. I’m hungry and we are getting lunch.” Said Allison when they noticed his hesitance. 

 

“Hey guys.”

 

“Wow, long night, was it?” Said Allison with a smirk when she took in Neil’s appearance. Matt smiled looking him over.

 

“Something like that. I’m fine.”

 

Both frowned at that statement. Immediately concerned. Neil closed his eyes and heaved a sigh.

 

“I am tired, that’s all. I didn’t sleep well.” Which is true, he hadn’t but he hadn’t been sleeping well all week. This morning’s was just the worst of the nightmares he’s been having. As much as he enjoyed his friends he really wish he could stop having this conversation and be left alone. 

 

“Whatever, you’re coming with us. We going to Common’s.” Said Allison, probably just as done with this conversation as he was. 

 

“It is Food Stall Thursdays which means jerk chicken and samosas. My stomach has been ready since last Thursday,” said a forlorn Matt.

 

“Actually, I was just going to go the dorm and sleep a bit before practice.” A lie, but a believable one. Andrew wasn’t there and Food Stall Thursdays means crowds and he wasn’t up for that right now. 

 

“Come on, Buddy. I have barely seen you all week and food will probably give you more energy for afternoon practice. You can sleep after.”

 

Neil tried to keep from rolling his eyes and sighing too sharply. Normally, the insistence made him happy. It made him feel wanted and real and like he belonged, but days like today, it made him feel known and angry at the pestering. He didn’t want to be known, it made him vulnerable and a failure. It made him angry because if he went he was subjecting himself to an hour or so of discomfort, fear, and faking it, but if he didn’t his friends would be upset and worried and their concern would spread to the rest of the foxes and he would be forced to be more  _ present _ under their microscope and all the more suffocated.

 

The choice was easy.

 

“Yeah, alright. I could eat something.”  _ And then throw it back up _ , but they didn’t have to know that. He lived in discomfort his entire life and was a tenured liar. What was another hour.

 

“ _ Finally! _ Let’s go before Princess Kevin finds us and tries to force a kale protein smoothie down our throats.” groaned Allison already linking her arm with Neil’s and dragging him along. 

 

And so they went. Matt got his jerk chicken and samosas, Allison got a Vietnamese coffee and pad thai and Neil got a fruit cup. 

 

There were some complaints about that, and then some placating. It was the only thing that was quick and easy and didn’t turn his stomach. 

 

The rest of the time was spent with Matt and Allison dominating the conversation, while Neil stayed silent. But that was normal, nothing to cause suspicion. 

 

So wrapped in their conversation about some teen drama half the team seems to watch, they didn’t seem to notice how Neil wasn’t listening and kept his eyes roaming the crowd incessantly looking for people he knew were dead. Or how when a stranger looked their way his breathing hitched and his body stilled and he didn’t dare look away. 

 

More than once, he caught people looking at his scars, it always bothered him but today he really didn’t want to be seen. For others to acknowledge his mutilations was for him to remember what and  _ who _ caused them. Neil put his hood up. 

 

Soon, but later than he had hoped, Matt and Allison had finished eating and were off to their afternoon classes, finally leaving him to make his way to the dorm. 

 

He wasn’t running; he was walking quickly. There were too many people at his back, too many to focus on, to track. 

 

Once he was in the dorm, he could get his gym bag and go to court. If he had his uniform on it wasn’t running it was practicing. Just practicing. And he could have the whole court to himself for an hour.

 

When he opened his door, he noticed Kevin’s shoes just inside.  _ Fuck!  _ Kevin was here. One of the few people he really didn’t want to see. He’d just invite himself along and then he’d be subjected to his nagging and his critiques longer than he was forced to on the regular. 

 

Neil debated whether or not he wanting to go inside now or not. But what else would he do? Mindlessly, wander campus until it was time for practice? Not an option. Maybe he could just try to sleep or watch some videos like he wanted to earlier. Resigned he walked into the living room as quiet as possible. The less time Kevin was aware of his presence the better. 

 

When he made it to the bedroom, he braced himself only to find the the room pleasantly empty. Neil was about to ask where he was and then the shower turned on. Small miracles. If he was quiet (and he was) he could drop off his backpack, change, grab his gym bag and leave without Kevin realizing he was ever there. 

 

Three minutes later he was out the door and locking the sound of Kevin’s high pitched rendition of Lauryn Hill’s version of  “Killing Me Softly” behind him and from the world. 

 

* * *

 

The hour he had of peace, quiet, and exy, was bliss. No contempt, no nagging, no guilting, no Kevin, no shadows, and no running … away. He could breathe for the first time in days.

 

Neil’s bubble broke fifteen minutes before practice was to start. Andrew’s group had finally arrived all in various moods of fury (Kevin), dismay (Nicky), and irritation (Andrew and Aaron). Aaron ignoring everyone and changing quickly to get away from the uproar he had to sit through due to Neil’s absence. Nicky happy to see Neil there and well, changed and went to talk to Matt who just arrived. Andrew ignored everyone, with the exception of the angry glare he sent Neil’s way and a comment about “remember you phone, asshole.” 

 

Kevin though, Kevin had a lot to say and nothing Neil wanted to hear. But he was just angry enough to egg him on.

 

“What the hell, Neil?!

 

“What?”

 

“You went to practice without me!”

 

“You’re  _ very _ observant, Kevin.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me you were going early?!”

 

“Oh, I’m sorry. Had you wanted to come along?”

 

“ _ Yes! _ We could have done some drills. You have been sloppy all week on your throws!” Kevin, not to quick on the uptake of sarcasm, was practically growling.

 

“Well, that’s unfortunate, Kevin, because if I had wanted to listen to you heckle me for an extra hour and a half of my day on how my fingers should always be a centimeter apart for optimal grip and so forth, I would have asked. But as you can see, I didn’t.”

 

“What the fuck, Neil?” Said Kevin. A vein was bulging in his forehead, as he stood mouth agape and eyes stern and disapproving. 

 

The rest of the foxes had gotten quiet and were trying or so poorly to look like they weren’t watching the scene in front of them. Andrew was openly staring. It wasn’t often that Neil went off on a teammate, especially a friend. 

 

Neil was almost regretting his words, not because he didn’t mean it nor he felt bad at how spiteful he was being. But because everyone’s attention was now on him, which was the last thing he wanted. 

 

He directed his rising anxiety into anger. Looking around the room at his team. “Are you done?” He said to Kevin. “Because practice is beginning and maybe we can find out if my hour alone made my aim more accurate. Now, let’s go” He finished up to the rest of the team.

 

He was playing harder than he had been all week. Harder checks, stinging throws, an “accidental” ball aimed to Jack’s stomach that may or may not have had him doubling over. His whole week of nightmares, and phantoms, and having to cater to everyone’s demands was boiling over and he wasn’t going to take it anymore. 

 

By the end of practice he was out of breath for more reason than one, lightheaded because he’d hardly anything to eat or drink today nor the whole week, he hadn’t he slept, and had been called out by Wymack three times to keep his behavior in check. He flinched each time despite the distance between them. He just wanted to get back to the dorm. He was almost inclined to hoof it back alone. But the last person wanted upset with him right now , was Andrew, and he was already halfway there. Unfortunately, this meant sharing a ride with a grumpy Kevin, a chatty Nicky, and a disdainful Aaron, who didn’t want to be in the car any more than Neil did.

 

He was in such a hurry to get back and too raw to wait to shower in the stalls at court, so he opted to wait until he got back to the dorm and went to wait in the Maserati. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I had the toughest time trying to think of what Kevin might sing in the shower. I feel like Nicky and Aaron are the ones who listen to current top 40 hits that are on the radio 24/7. While Nicky has a wide range of musical interests beyond that, he enjoys the top 40, while Aaron listens to them because he doesn't know music and the top 40 is basic and he strives for that. Neil doesn't know anything, while Andrew and Kevin have their own individual interests. Plus I really like that song and it amuses me to have spartan robot kevin singing poorly to "killing me softly," it gives him a humanness we rarely seem to give him credit for.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this! Let me know what you think :)

**Author's Note:**

> So, I am not sure how many chapters this is going to be. It was going to be a one-shot but it didn't flow that well that way, so now, chapters. There will only be like 3-4. AND I am mostly done with the whole thing. I just have to wrap it up and then go through it. 
> 
> Please, let me know what you think! :)


End file.
